Hell is other people - Part II

I woke up today with a heavy heart, fully conscious I would have to face the world for one more time. And it does not help at all when the world that you have to face is a huge Barbie Doll house with little princesses chafing your nerves.

When I am incensed, I would either:

1. listen to silverchair or Alanis Morissette
2. read Rimbaud
3. (feel like I want to) run.

Now, at this moment, there is nothing more I desire than to blast on silverchair and Alanis Morrissette while reading Rimbaud on my feet, sprinting to place of no end.

Bitch, fuck off my tail now.

The eyes that twinkle.

I told her that my latest obsession involves a girl. I am addicted to nicking a few minutes every now and then, staring into Aggy's eyes... appreciating her beauty, picturing myself in her funky style and gushing endlessly on how hot I think she is. She told me, "You better be careful before you turn into a lesbian". I just laughed at the suggestion, quietly thinking, "If only Cocks is not my religion."

Moleskin Entry IV

Diary Entry, 26/07/09 8.45pm

Tell me, what's the worth of our little sadness in a world laden with sorrow?

Suffocating?

Today is my Smoking Day.
I'm smoking a carton because of my indolence.
My mind is fogged but
my body is at peace with it.

Moleskin Entry III: Debauch Queen?

Diary entry, 02/08/09, Thailand.

What can I tell you about the choices we make?

Fate reads like a funny story book. There is a joke waiting for you for every page you turn to. Sometimes it is witty but sometimes it laughs at you in your face.

When I was just a little girl, I used to have a round disco ball hung at the center of my tiny room. I found it at the nearby dustbin and thought to myself to pick it up since someone obviously did not need it anymore. So there it was, bright and shiny. It became my reason, my center of the universe.

Everyday I would pretend that it was the globe. I spun the globe around and around, imagining myself gallivanting to every little piece of heaven God blessed us with.

It looked like another world. A magical world I was so curious about.

As I grew older, I realised I am in the other world. I kept spinning the globe until I found myself walking away. Walking away from the agonising rathole I was in, the cramped space which suffocated my every molecular surface - to the comfort of a man's bed.

A symphony of men. In return of a world I never knew of.

Fate is a funny story book and it is laughing at me in my face. It reads like a polar of decision mocking the choices we are presented with.

The hot sweaty breaths of a stallion interlocking, weaving in with my own waves of moans are my reason now. Someday, I would find the right words to replace my obscure traipse and they would be simple.

But the burden would be intolerable, still.

Bunch of nutters we are, eh.

Found in the email inbox, 31 October 2007:

I wish I was there now. Sigh.
I wanna go. And be there.
And get to know or see these people.
And listen to them talk. Or make a fool out of themselves.
And enjoy everything. Or nothing at all.
I wish I was there.

--------------

Reply, same date:

I don't know where I wish I am now...but I know it's not here. I am a displaced person. There's this show called Aliens in America, about a Pakistani boy on an exchange student programme in the States. The narrator (an American student host) said,

"It was strange. I always feel like an outsider and a weirdo. And then here comes this kid from a village in Pakistan and suddenly I'm not an outsider anymore. Just a weirdo."

Although I think the reverse is more true for me - not a weirdo, just an outsider.

Biblical gift.

"When I was in school, I was nicknamed 'Manna' which I later discovered is a kind of food from God for the Israelites to eat during their travel in the deserts. It's in the Bible... and I said to myself, 'Hell yeah, I'm God's gift to this world!' Ok, that's very cocky. Allah, please don't hold me accountable for this stupid statement."

"Well hun, if you are food from God, technically speaking you are just for human consumption... which means you are nothing more than for people to chomp on and turn out as poo later. Cocky? I don't think so..."

"Oh and you had to be obnoxious about it! Why can't you just let me enjoy the nickname? Who am I kidding... this is exactly why I like you lots."

"Hehehe...you're an easy target."

"I am not an easy target! You just have an evil mind. Anyway, I need to get some shut eye now, babe. Long day tomorrow. Speak soon alright."

"Alright. Sleep well, O Dear Food from the Almighty!"

"Haha. Screw you!"

"Screw me? Haha. A little dreaming wouldn't hurt ya!"

Someone used to say, "When you have a rainbow in your heart, your smile will shine bright."

"U look nice."
"I always do."
"Maybe you always will to me...regardless of whether you're fat or not."
"Aww...that's the only nice thing you've said to me EVER. You've mellowed!!"
"And I hate myself for that."
"Don't be. I would mellow down as well when I'm turning 29. It's the age."
"Haha...fuck you!"
"Fuck yourself, meh!"

We were always happy, always, I remember...

"What is your greatest fear?"

"That people would see me as I see them."

ARTHUR RIMBAUD.

The depiction of a forlorn journey of a young disturbed soul through the heartbreaking world; the great French poet who is the cause of my much invisible tears for everytime I read his translated work. I wish I have French blood in me instead so I can be absorbed in his unadulterated brilliance in all its originality.

I have much love and respect for Leonardo Dicaprio; he might just be the greatest actor of all time in my eyes. Him in What's Eating Gilbert Grape was striking, but him as my favourite poet -the great Rimbaud in 1995's Total Eclipse was phenomenal it left me astounded.

Having read Rimbaud for a few years now, I had a hard time battling the mellow part of me from taking over throughout the movie wherein every single line and action was based on Rimbaud's and Paul Verlaine's letters to each other. However alas, efforts were misjudged and strengths were overestimated.

I silently wept, unsure whether it was a sign of disapproval for Rimbaud's homosexual relationship with his mentor, Verlaine or understanding the torture of a restless soul losing hope in the world and human affection.

"I've found it."
"What?"
"Eternity. Where the sun mingled with the sea..."

Missing.

There is a possibility in every face you encounter everyday. The possibility of a friend who would represent a world in you, the world that has never been born- that could not be conceivable - until they arrive.

The question is - where are You?