Ramblings I

All of those luxurious words hanging in the hollow air produced these sounds which did not tickle my heart. They clambered and banged at the door, rattling the knob and pushing very hard that I felt it (the door) would be torn down any minute. Still, they evanesced without leaving any mark.

I sit here today, under the bright light, observing the world reach to an unthinkable height of bitchiness while I count all the little fears hidden inside, like raindrops and teardrops and watch the water level rise around me until I drown.

The world has become too noisy for my liking. Words have lost their value and I am still waiting for the moment they would matter again. That moment when someone would stand in front of me, look me in the eyes and not talk in maths.

33

Happy birthday, Beast. Hope you're having fun.

Flipping through old books and journals as I had some little free time at home during the weekend. Found this scribbled among the pages of my notes:

Perlahan-lahan makan, anak sayang

Jangan sampai tercekik paku seluruh alam. 

Berhati-hati minum, aduhai sayang

Jangan sampai tersedak buih satu lautan. 

Perlahan-lahan jalan, wahai sayang

Jangan sampai tersadung bendul gunung impian. 

Jangan sampai tertumpah, alahai intan

Setitis pun kasih sayang. 

Tiada petua kemenangan selain ketaatan

Kepada Sang Pemilik

Kehendak dan ikhtiar

Rindumu yang sebenar. 

A holy chant.

Jean Genet said: What we need is hatred. From it our ideas are born.

My mantra for today (and the last 2 weeks until the bloody takeover is done with):

I ought to have a hell for my anger - a whole symphony of hells!

32

Happy birthday, You. I hope the sun is still shining on you.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Would we meet again in another life?

28.10

After all the time and all the things you've put me through, I still wish that it's You who would say "Happy birthday, Sunshine." instead of a hundred people.

"Happy birthday, Sunshine."

"It's not a happy occasion being born into this world."

"It is for some people."

"It's not for me. I'm not talking on behalf of everyone else."

"I know it is for you too. You're just being a hard ass."

Good days, hey.

He used to call me Sunshine. Good morning, Sunshine. Sleep well, Sunshine. I miss you, Sunshine. Sunshine this, Sunshine that. And I used to ask him,

"Is it because London is so gloomy and lacks of sunshine?"

And when we argued, it's Sun Scorch. So our days were either bright when we were all civilised and loved up or brighter (that we burned) when we were beastly.